So as I sit here typing this I'm listening to awfully sad music so excuse the overly depressing blah blah blah. Anyways, I have two large fears. One is death because I like to question everything. I can't believe in god, where's the proof? I can't believe in The Big Bang Theory (amazing tv show by the way) because where did the matter come from originally? I don't know enough about other religions to question them, so we're leaving it at that. Point is, I'm clueless as to what happens after death and that scares me shitless. I don't want to just rot in the ground forever. Life's too precious.
My second fear is the future. I don't know what's to come of it. Here's the future I wish to have:
1.) I want to get my Bachelors and possibly Masters from NCSU in psychology. I know I'm getting my Masters.. just not sure if it'll be continued at NCSU. I have no idea if I'll get accepted into NCSU. I mean I'm a B student at best. What if I don't get accepted to my dream college? I know there's other colleges that will be just as good.. But I want at least one dream to come true. What if the people of NCSU don't like me though and I become an outcast and a loner? I mean, I'm sort of used to that but not COMPLETELY outcasted and completely alone. I don't want that to happen, you know?
2.) As I stated above I want my degree to be in psychology. What if I can't find a job off of that? I can't have my dream job straight out of college.. I need to work towards it. I don't wanna be stuck working at the damn pizza shop the rest of my life. I don't want to be doing something I hate. I want to do what I love.
3.) My dream job is to be a psychologist for LGBTQ youth. I want to do it out of an office in my home. If I can get a degree in psychology that shouldn't be a problem. Except, the job before this one I need to save up for the money to by a house with office space that I can use for my clients. I also want to be a stay at home mom. So I'd need a Nanny to help me out while I work with my patients. Also a load of money. Thing is, if I don't become well known, I can't make that kind of money. What if people don't like my style? What if I only have like one or two patients? I can't afford any of that then.
4.) I want children, so very badly. I want to have two of my own and adopt a third child. I need to be financially stable because I want them to have the life I've never had. I want them to have a father and mother who love them uncontrolably and will never leave their sight.
5.) I want to find love. Everyone does. No need for an explination here of why am frightened about this. Just don't want to go through life alone. I've never been in love, but I want to feel it's magic. And I want it to be life long.
I'm just so scared I won't get anything I want. So scared that I can't do this. So scared I don't have it on me. Guess we'll wait and see if I can make it, won't we?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
The Beginning of Me Song Writing Again
This song isn't finished, but I'm having trouble finishing it. So, if anyone actuall reads this, lemme know what you think! :]
I let you in my world,
You showed me I'm not just any girl.
You showed me I belong,
Where the road is wrong..
But now you're gone.
It's time we said goodbye.
Not for now but for always.
Time for me to move on.
You wouldn't be able to love me anyways.
Beauty is only skin deep.
Never judge a book by it's cover.
But once you open it up,
You may not like what you uncover.
I'm a mess,
I'm a disaster.
I'm not meant for,
Happy ever after.
So goodbye love and lover.
I let you in my world,
You showed me I'm not just any girl.
You showed me I belong,
Where the road is wrong..
But now you're gone.
It's time we said goodbye.
Not for now but for always.
Time for me to move on.
You wouldn't be able to love me anyways.
Beauty is only skin deep.
Never judge a book by it's cover.
But once you open it up,
You may not like what you uncover.
I'm a mess,
I'm a disaster.
I'm not meant for,
Happy ever after.
So goodbye love and lover.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
One Of The Guys
Sometimes I think, I must be crazy. But other times I realize, I'm just human. That's what I am. I've always had this dream that some guy is going to come into my life a sweep me off my feet. You know, my first love. I'm not talking marriage or anything. What I'm saying is, I always thought at least one person would fall in love with me. At least one person would find me beautiful in everything that I do. One person would wake up every morning, thinking of me. One person would believe that I AM more than just someone to settle for. But that hasn't happened.
What has happened is me falling head over heels for a guy. I sit there and think, finally. Someone who I can at least love and get love back from them. But that hasn't happened. Only I fall head over heals. They like me at first. Tell me I'm amazing and unique and all that. But what really gets me is they always randomly just stop. Suddenly I'm no longer good for them. Suddenly I'm just another face in the crowd. Suddenly, I'm invisible. Everything I've been through with them suddenly doesn't matter. I don't get it. What do I do wrong?
All I can think of is.. I'm just one of the guys. I've always been told that. Every man who I start to like or something will ask me to hang out, I get all excited. But it's literally hanging out. They never want more. And when they do want more, it's just sex. I have big boobs there for everyone wants sex from me. I'm one of the guys that it's cool to sleep with. But I am SO sick of it. Yes, I love football, WWE, getting messy, video games, eating with my fingers, going hiking, working out, man-hoodies, mens pj's, mens boxers.. But all this. It's just who I am. I'm a huge pervert. I'm a sarcastic asshole. I burp and fart and not care. I'm not going to change who I am. But, why is it so hard for a guy to love me, for all of that.
I've come to deal with the whole "one of the guys" thing. But, I just want one guy.. ONE GUY to love me. Or at least like me a whole lot. I want to feel like I can be myself and still have a guy want to be with me. So I don't wear dresses or skirts or heels. I don't have manners. I hate shopping. I don't wear any makeup. You'd think guys would want a change from your average or stereotypical woman. But no. They want more of them. So I wonder.
Will I ever find someone to love me? Or am I doomed to always and forever me "one of the guys"? I just hope someday, sometime, someone out there can love me for me.
What has happened is me falling head over heels for a guy. I sit there and think, finally. Someone who I can at least love and get love back from them. But that hasn't happened. Only I fall head over heals. They like me at first. Tell me I'm amazing and unique and all that. But what really gets me is they always randomly just stop. Suddenly I'm no longer good for them. Suddenly I'm just another face in the crowd. Suddenly, I'm invisible. Everything I've been through with them suddenly doesn't matter. I don't get it. What do I do wrong?
All I can think of is.. I'm just one of the guys. I've always been told that. Every man who I start to like or something will ask me to hang out, I get all excited. But it's literally hanging out. They never want more. And when they do want more, it's just sex. I have big boobs there for everyone wants sex from me. I'm one of the guys that it's cool to sleep with. But I am SO sick of it. Yes, I love football, WWE, getting messy, video games, eating with my fingers, going hiking, working out, man-hoodies, mens pj's, mens boxers.. But all this. It's just who I am. I'm a huge pervert. I'm a sarcastic asshole. I burp and fart and not care. I'm not going to change who I am. But, why is it so hard for a guy to love me, for all of that.
I've come to deal with the whole "one of the guys" thing. But, I just want one guy.. ONE GUY to love me. Or at least like me a whole lot. I want to feel like I can be myself and still have a guy want to be with me. So I don't wear dresses or skirts or heels. I don't have manners. I hate shopping. I don't wear any makeup. You'd think guys would want a change from your average or stereotypical woman. But no. They want more of them. So I wonder.
Will I ever find someone to love me? Or am I doomed to always and forever me "one of the guys"? I just hope someday, sometime, someone out there can love me for me.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
From the Best to Worst Dream of My Life
The dream started off amazing. I was going to work and we started changing the store around and eventually the store like magically changes into this AMAZING looking thing. I show up for work like five hours early. My friend Mike is sitting on the couch I sit on the opposite end. We discussed life as we usually we. Then somehow we winded up playing footsies.. Don't ask.
Then out of nowhere I hear a familiar voice, I turn around and it's Randy! I haven't seen him in for ever so I latched on to him and hugged him for like 20 minutes, few tears fell down my face because, well I miss him.
Then I left the shop with four hours to spare. Dakota is like 3 in this dream for some reason by the way. But anyway I remember him saying he wanted to go to church for once. So I take him, Auggie, and my sister Abby. It was hard enough for me to concentrate while in church alone. But in walk this, what I thought was couple but turned out to be cousins. Anyway, I noticed the guy straight away. It was my friend from England who I actually haven't talked to in a while, which I guess in my dream I was angry for it.
He kept trying to get my attention. First he "flipped me off" which when you're from England flipping someone off just looks like the peace sign, just saying. ;) anyway, I noticed it but I was so angry that we haven't talked I completely ignored it. Pretended I didn't notice him, but in reality my heart was beating so fast I could hardly breathe! I started shaking and I wanted to run over to him, hold on and never let go. His cousin started trying to get my attention too, wailing her arms all over the place. But I just ignored it. I took Dakota Auggie and Abby to this crawl space behind where the pastor was sitting.it was awfully roomy for a crawl space. Any who.
So I take out my iPad and we all play games on it. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder, it was him. By the way I'm not reviling his name. I turn around and well.. This was out conversation. I start.
"How did you get to America, why'd you come to America, who is she, why are you here, and why now."
"Well, hi to you too"
"Excuse me for not being excited. You've ignored me for about a month now. Thanks so much for letting me think you hated me.. It hurt you know. What happened to "I'll never stop talking to you for now reason" and "dorkmates for life!" guess that went down the shitter, huh?"
"You have every right to be angry with me but.."
"But what!? I told you I love you and I get ignored? Cool story bro."
"Look.. Duchess.."
"Don't duchess me"
Then there was an awkward silence until Dakota goes "I'm bored with these games, I want new ones!"
The guy from England took out his iPad and let him play on it. It made Dakota happy, so of course I started feeling a little better. After all making Dakota feel good is the way to my heart. So I look to him and this is the next conversation..
"Sorry about.. Coming off as such a bitch, I was just.. Hurt, yannow? I've never opened up to a guy like that and to have him ignore me.. It hurt. It hurt a whole fuck of a lot."
"I understand, but I'm here now, mean anything to you?"
I just smiled and nodded my head. Dakota started yawning so I pick him up and we all head outside. He takes Dakota from me and Auggies leash and says "I'll be right back" so I start getting to know his cousin who was a pretty nifty chick. I liked her a lot. CJ comes back, no Dakota, no Auggiw.
"Where are they?"
"Napping. I'm staying upstairs so I thought since they were tired I'd put them to sleep. But, my flight leaves in three hours so you can have the room the rest of the night"
"How long have you been here?"
"About a week, I've been looking for you.. So glad I finally found you. I actually flew all the way out here just to apologize and let you know I love you too"
At this point I latched on to him he hugged me just as tight. I was pouring tears, he was crying a little too. After like a thirty minute hug, we kiss. And lemme tell you, best dream kiss ever guys. It was amazing.
So all this is amazing right? Awesome fucking dreams. But here is where it turns for the worst.
He says
"But you understand we can never be together. Which is why I stopped talking to you. And we can never speak again after this. I wanted you to know that there is no other out there like you. And you're going to make a guy very happy someday.."
"And that guy can't be you?"
"I'm sorry duchess. It just can't be."
"But you said you love me"
"And I meant it"
"So that's it.you love me, but you never want to hear from me again?"
"Well it sounds dumb when you put it that way."
"Because it is."
"I'm sorry..
"Don't apologize. Just get the fuck out of my face."
He and his cousin hopped in the next taxi cab and left.
Heartbreaking right? Oh. It gets worse.
So I'm allowed to bring my brother to work now because everyone loves him. I go upstairs to get him.. Turns out the guys "renting" the place to the kid in England were cold blooded murderers. I get upstairs and my little brother was torn limb for limb. I got on my knees and just cried. Could not stop crying as I held Dakotas head. Cried and cried. For this of you who don't know, Dakota is my everything. So my world came crashing down.
Then I woke up in literally a pool of tears. The dream was so realistic I almost called in to work to take the day off because I was so upset.
I wish I would've just woken up after the "I Love You" scene.
Then out of nowhere I hear a familiar voice, I turn around and it's Randy! I haven't seen him in for ever so I latched on to him and hugged him for like 20 minutes, few tears fell down my face because, well I miss him.
Then I left the shop with four hours to spare. Dakota is like 3 in this dream for some reason by the way. But anyway I remember him saying he wanted to go to church for once. So I take him, Auggie, and my sister Abby. It was hard enough for me to concentrate while in church alone. But in walk this, what I thought was couple but turned out to be cousins. Anyway, I noticed the guy straight away. It was my friend from England who I actually haven't talked to in a while, which I guess in my dream I was angry for it.
He kept trying to get my attention. First he "flipped me off" which when you're from England flipping someone off just looks like the peace sign, just saying. ;) anyway, I noticed it but I was so angry that we haven't talked I completely ignored it. Pretended I didn't notice him, but in reality my heart was beating so fast I could hardly breathe! I started shaking and I wanted to run over to him, hold on and never let go. His cousin started trying to get my attention too, wailing her arms all over the place. But I just ignored it. I took Dakota Auggie and Abby to this crawl space behind where the pastor was sitting.it was awfully roomy for a crawl space. Any who.
So I take out my iPad and we all play games on it. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder, it was him. By the way I'm not reviling his name. I turn around and well.. This was out conversation. I start.
"How did you get to America, why'd you come to America, who is she, why are you here, and why now."
"Well, hi to you too"
"Excuse me for not being excited. You've ignored me for about a month now. Thanks so much for letting me think you hated me.. It hurt you know. What happened to "I'll never stop talking to you for now reason" and "dorkmates for life!" guess that went down the shitter, huh?"
"You have every right to be angry with me but.."
"But what!? I told you I love you and I get ignored? Cool story bro."
"Look.. Duchess.."
"Don't duchess me"
Then there was an awkward silence until Dakota goes "I'm bored with these games, I want new ones!"
The guy from England took out his iPad and let him play on it. It made Dakota happy, so of course I started feeling a little better. After all making Dakota feel good is the way to my heart. So I look to him and this is the next conversation..
"Sorry about.. Coming off as such a bitch, I was just.. Hurt, yannow? I've never opened up to a guy like that and to have him ignore me.. It hurt. It hurt a whole fuck of a lot."
"I understand, but I'm here now, mean anything to you?"
I just smiled and nodded my head. Dakota started yawning so I pick him up and we all head outside. He takes Dakota from me and Auggies leash and says "I'll be right back" so I start getting to know his cousin who was a pretty nifty chick. I liked her a lot. CJ comes back, no Dakota, no Auggiw.
"Where are they?"
"Napping. I'm staying upstairs so I thought since they were tired I'd put them to sleep. But, my flight leaves in three hours so you can have the room the rest of the night"
"How long have you been here?"
"About a week, I've been looking for you.. So glad I finally found you. I actually flew all the way out here just to apologize and let you know I love you too"
At this point I latched on to him he hugged me just as tight. I was pouring tears, he was crying a little too. After like a thirty minute hug, we kiss. And lemme tell you, best dream kiss ever guys. It was amazing.
So all this is amazing right? Awesome fucking dreams. But here is where it turns for the worst.
He says
"But you understand we can never be together. Which is why I stopped talking to you. And we can never speak again after this. I wanted you to know that there is no other out there like you. And you're going to make a guy very happy someday.."
"And that guy can't be you?"
"I'm sorry duchess. It just can't be."
"But you said you love me"
"And I meant it"
"So that's it.you love me, but you never want to hear from me again?"
"Well it sounds dumb when you put it that way."
"Because it is."
"I'm sorry..
"Don't apologize. Just get the fuck out of my face."
He and his cousin hopped in the next taxi cab and left.
Heartbreaking right? Oh. It gets worse.
So I'm allowed to bring my brother to work now because everyone loves him. I go upstairs to get him.. Turns out the guys "renting" the place to the kid in England were cold blooded murderers. I get upstairs and my little brother was torn limb for limb. I got on my knees and just cried. Could not stop crying as I held Dakotas head. Cried and cried. For this of you who don't know, Dakota is my everything. So my world came crashing down.
Then I woke up in literally a pool of tears. The dream was so realistic I almost called in to work to take the day off because I was so upset.
I wish I would've just woken up after the "I Love You" scene.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
I'm New at This, Forgive Me.
Ahh love.
It's beautiful, complicated, crazy, mysterious, amazing, painful, cruel, and above all, unpredictable. I fell in love recently. With a boy literally thousands of miles away from me. I don't wish to talk of him though. I just literally want to talk of love and my experience with it. It made me crazy. I never knew a silly little four letter word could take over my life. It's magical, mystical. It's everything I dreamed it would be, minus the fact that he doesn't love me back. But that's not the point. I can't blame him for not loving me. You can't force someone to love you. Plus, your first love usually isn't your last. I'm just hoping the next one feels the same way.
I've always wondered what it's like to be in a "loving" relationship. To wake up in the morning, look next to me and go "I could wake up to him every day of my life". I'd love to find someone who accepts me for me. My goofiness, my insecuties, my beliefs, my friends, my family, my crazy and unpredictable random babble, my everything. But isn't that what we all want? The American Dream should be redefined. No one wants the white picket fence, two and a half kids and so on. We just want love. But we all have so much trouble finding it.
I feel like the meaning of life has become love. We spend our whole lives waiting and wondering. Others go out searching like they're on the hunt. Love pretty much runs our lives. If we don't have love, we feel unwanted and unappreciated. As if love is all we need to be happy. If we have love we think nothing can stop us, we feel ontop of the world. Love controls everything. But why? Is this one emotion really worth all the hurt, all the misery down the long and broken road? If you ask those who have been in love they say yes. Ask someone who hasn't been in love, they'll say they are sure if it. Love is just, crazy. People say love is evil.
Love isn't evil. The people we fall in love with are evil. Love just leaves us blind to everyone's evils. We need to learn to control it. Learn love is good. It's human kind that brings in all the negatives of love. After all, without life where is love? Non existent. It's hard to get out exactly what I'm trying to say. Sorry, that was the best I can do trying to explain it. I don't think love is evil at all. It's beautiful. You just have to realize that you are lucky enough to have this emotion. Can you imagine a world where the emotion of love didn't exist? We'd be mad, insane. Be thankful for life. And be thankful for love.
I suppose that's good enough for my first blog. I hope those of you who have read enjoy!
-Caitlin Marie
It's beautiful, complicated, crazy, mysterious, amazing, painful, cruel, and above all, unpredictable. I fell in love recently. With a boy literally thousands of miles away from me. I don't wish to talk of him though. I just literally want to talk of love and my experience with it. It made me crazy. I never knew a silly little four letter word could take over my life. It's magical, mystical. It's everything I dreamed it would be, minus the fact that he doesn't love me back. But that's not the point. I can't blame him for not loving me. You can't force someone to love you. Plus, your first love usually isn't your last. I'm just hoping the next one feels the same way.
I've always wondered what it's like to be in a "loving" relationship. To wake up in the morning, look next to me and go "I could wake up to him every day of my life". I'd love to find someone who accepts me for me. My goofiness, my insecuties, my beliefs, my friends, my family, my crazy and unpredictable random babble, my everything. But isn't that what we all want? The American Dream should be redefined. No one wants the white picket fence, two and a half kids and so on. We just want love. But we all have so much trouble finding it.
I feel like the meaning of life has become love. We spend our whole lives waiting and wondering. Others go out searching like they're on the hunt. Love pretty much runs our lives. If we don't have love, we feel unwanted and unappreciated. As if love is all we need to be happy. If we have love we think nothing can stop us, we feel ontop of the world. Love controls everything. But why? Is this one emotion really worth all the hurt, all the misery down the long and broken road? If you ask those who have been in love they say yes. Ask someone who hasn't been in love, they'll say they are sure if it. Love is just, crazy. People say love is evil.
Love isn't evil. The people we fall in love with are evil. Love just leaves us blind to everyone's evils. We need to learn to control it. Learn love is good. It's human kind that brings in all the negatives of love. After all, without life where is love? Non existent. It's hard to get out exactly what I'm trying to say. Sorry, that was the best I can do trying to explain it. I don't think love is evil at all. It's beautiful. You just have to realize that you are lucky enough to have this emotion. Can you imagine a world where the emotion of love didn't exist? We'd be mad, insane. Be thankful for life. And be thankful for love.
I suppose that's good enough for my first blog. I hope those of you who have read enjoy!
-Caitlin Marie
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